Forbidden feelings. Or: things you don’t see on Linked In. 4 June.

As we come to the end of an academic year, emerge from underneath the ever growing heap of administration that tumbles on top of many university staff at this time of year, we can be, understandably, reflective. I have a few things ending, or that have ended, this academic year. A couple of milestones too.

My first time being a Principle Investigator came to an end at the beginning of the academic year – a role I had not expected to take on, yet, which was rewarding but hard. I became ‘PI’ because my colleague, and friend, Clive Barnett suddenly and unexpectedly died at the end of 2021. Through the Algorithmic Politics after Brexit project I learned about digital government in the UK, about many things I didn’t know about Brexit, and I learned how (not) to manage. One of my proudest moments associated with the project (though not really anything I did) was my friend and colleague Kuba Jablonowski’s appointment to a permanent Lectureship at Bristol – a really wonderful (‘unofficial’) outcome for the project and one I am certain Clive would have celebrated too.

My first peer reviewed article came out, at least as ‘Early Online’ anyway, since 2018. The paper is part of a theme issue in Environment and Planning D: Society & Space that originated in an event in Singapore convened by Weiqiang Lin, Peter Adey, Tina Harris and Dylan Brady about automation in the time of COVID-19. Somewhat ironically, I gave that original paper online, rather than in-person, because I actually had coronavirus (I’d love to finally go to Singapore one day). I took a long time getting that article over the finish line, with wonderful support from Weiqiang and Dylan in Singapore, as well as Federico Caprotti and Sean Carter at Exeter, because of the mental health issues that had influenced the preceding gap in publications.

This is absolutely not intended as a ‘poor me’ post. I am very sorry if I have got the tone wrong such that it comes across that way. Rather, I wanted to reflect on the things that happen in life that dictate or influence the pattern of a career, which are (for all sorts of reasons) not visible on a CV, or LinkedIn, or ORCID, or the other quasi- ‘official’ ways we present ourselves professionally. Sometimes it can feel like real ‘feelings’, not the humble bragging of social media, are forbidden. Sometimes a peculiar form of nihilism is mistaken for stoicism. We can seem to only see the prosaic sharing of ‘delighted’ announcements and not the fuller story.

Without wishing to over-share, I have a story that sits behind the lack of writing. I lost my father in 2018 after a long battle with non-alcohol-related liver disease. He had survived various treatments, a liver transplant and many setbacks. With two children born during the time of his illness, my wife and I both found it immensely challenging. Very soon after his death we contended with another family illness and bereavement in my wife’s family. The pandemic happened and all of us clapped, stayed indoors, eat out, went back indoors, knocked elbows, met on Teams and Zoom. Clive passed away. My former head of department and commuting companion (on trains to/from Bristol) Henry Buller also, very sadly, passed away due to cancer. Life happens. I didn’t write. I felt I couldn’t.

Colleagues can be very kind. Even those you don’t know well. I had a bad habit, in the days of Twitter (as was), of expressing my feelings in an un-guarded way and on more than one occasion – perhaps unprofessionally – I said I felt I wasn’t coping or that I was watching my career fizzle out. I received responses from colleagues offering support. I received some informal mentoring from one of them. Academic community matters. While there are, undoubtedly, more helpful and more professional ways of seeking help, I definitely recommend doing so.

I applied for a job, at a different university, a couple of years ago. In my CV and covering letter I made some reference to the gaps in my publication record and tried to offer a positive and ambitious plan for the future, rather than dwell on the past. I was not shortlisted. I requested feedback and was told that I needed to be explicit in providing reasons for the gaps, to explain why I had become PI after the project had already started. more recently, I applied for promotion and tried to learn from the feedback – to explain, in a professional manner, the gaps and to demonstrate my ambition. I received constructive feedback that I hope will help me work towards career advancement in the future.

There has been plenty of commentary about the perceived artificialness of self-promotion on social media and on professional profiles. There are LinkedIn jargon generators, a simple search brings up a lot of them, there are satirical commentaries and videos about self-promotion. My own bot, GeoCritBot (formerly of Twitter, now on BlueSky) was an attempt to satirise both the forms of self-promotion and also the kinds of academic jargon that we tend to use. It is, perhaps, all-too-easy to be cynical and even snide about such things – but I think I/we need to try to resist that temptation.

All of us, of course, have stories broader than the one told on a CV, or on LinkedIn. Some people succeed in academia even in profoundly difficult circumstances. Some people leave, sometimes without choosing to do so. Some of us are not, and don’t necessarily want to be, the stellar Professor. Most of us contend with ‘rejection’ regularly – for publication, for grants and, perhaps, for jobs. Some of us don’t embody the ‘vocation’ of academia, perhaps see it as ‘work’. Life events happen, we all have to deal with them. There can be, perhaps has to be, ways of telling some parts of these wider stories as work lives are complicated by the rest-of-life happening. I am not advocating for over-sharing, I am far too British(!), nor for radical transparency, although I do believe in ‘open’ research. I am not really able to offer any neat solution. I want to reflect on reflecting – to think about how not to feel negative about perceived fallings-short. Comparison can be the thief of fulfilment. ‘We’/’I’ can’t be ‘them’, but we can try to find ways to be a good ‘us’/’me’.

Celebrate your successes. Find ways to tell the story of adversity professionally and without underselling yourself. Celebrate other people’s successes too, however you feel comfortable about doing so (in a kind and professional manner). We can’t know some of the challenges people go through, often – we shouldn’t. However, even in a system that rewards individualism, that still reveres the ‘big name’, we can and should look for ways to advocate for and support one another, to work together, where we can. Solidarity is important.

Lastly, even when everything is hard, hold on to the little wins.

Forbidden feelings
A wha ya, a wha ya deal with

Forbidden Feelingz – Nia Archives.

Workin for a livin – 16th October.

Some days won’t end ever and some days pass on by
I’ll be working here forever, at least until I die
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t
I’m supposed to get a raise next week, you know damn well I won’t

Workin for a Livin – Huey Lewis & The News

So much of working life is about cycles. This is very evident in education with the pattern of the year. Depending on context— all sorts of things from career stage to how busy you are —the rate of repetition of that cycle can feel fast and slow, they can feel never ending or they pass on by. The phases of term can feel ‘new’ and it can feel like deja vu. The cycles of academic work and their apparent familiarity can be reassuring.

One of the many rituals of a point of ‘new’ beginning, of a year, a term or a project, is convening or attending meetings in which we have to (re)introduce ourselves and say something about who we are – which is, in a professional context like academia – inevitably about the work you do. The expression of identity in terms of a job is nothing new of course, there’s a reason we have so many surnames like Smith and Tailor. Even so, these moments can carry all sorts of subtext, both implied and imagined. Introductions can serve as ways to get to know people, they can connote an identifying of how we belong and they can be about asserting forms of authority. What unites all of those functions is the way in which we communicate how we are what we do.

Lots of the ways in which we make ourselves legible to others, in professional contexts, is by applying labels to ourselves. Sub-disciplinary labels, e.g. what ‘kind’ of ‘geographer’, theoretical or political commitments,—e.g. ‘left’, ‘post-‘ something, ‘critical’ or ‘radical’–and particular roles—e.g. ‘Chair’, ‘Associate’, ‘Pro-‘ or ‘Vice’ something, ‘Director of’ something—all freight various sorts of meanings for different audiences, within an institution, within wider academia and to non-academics. That legibility can be a source of pride and a source of anxiety; we are somebody with a title, what are we without?

How we identify ourselves as academics in relation to work and the ongoing wrestling with working ‘above and beyond’ for recognition, for impact and perhaps for self-affirmation carries the connotation that academic life as a form of vocation. If I had more time I would look up and read around studies of vocation and how people variously negotiate it, sadly, I don’t. Even so, while ‘vocation’ is a theologically laden term, it is noteworthy that sociology in particular and related disciplines (not least social policy and social work) have a history, dating at least to the time of Weber, of reflection on the study (teaching, learning and research) of social sciences as a form of vocation. If there is a ‘vocation’ in contemporary academia it is very much bound up with ‘career’, which is a pronounced divergence from the religious connotations of vocation.

Throughout this post I have used a plural pronoun, ‘we’, and yet much of what I have described is individual. There is an elusive (ongoing) play between ‘our’ and ‘my’ success. The kinds of work-based identity performance that I am suggesting here are, mostly, individualised. I think, there’s an interesting double bind to this: on the one hand many academics want recognition and they want to ‘succeed’ and, perhaps, feel part of ‘successful’ departments and institutions (with varying meanings, measures and values of ‘success’); on the other hand: the systems for recognition, the associated metrics, roles and awards, are all geared towards individuals. We (some of us) want to work in stimulating collective research ‘environments’ (in the language of the REF) with colleagues but are encouraged and incentivised to compete with those same colleagues.

Vocation can be thought otherwise. Not necessarily in grandiose terms, but perhaps in an ordinary sense – there are, of course, many different ways to make contributions to knowledge, across the full gamut of activities that academics do. ‘My’ success need not be at the expense of ‘yours’.

§

Ironically, this post has taken three separate attempts at writing due to all of the other things going on relating to the ‘start of term’, which seems to spread further into the term now than ever. So much changes to apparently remain the same.

Ch-ch-ch-changes – 2nd October

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence

Changes – Bowie

Two days in a row, I am surprising myself.

I have written before, twice in fact, about the advent of a new academic year and the strange sort of cycle it represents. At different points of circumstances, stage of life, of career, of relationships, this can take on different forms of significance. The last time I wrote about this, in 2019, I quoted Bowie’s Changes and I am deliberately returning to that song in part because of how I feel like I have changed since 2019 but also because I really like the song. I worry that these posts can seem a bit pompous, which (of course!) I’m going to say is not my intention. The conceit of using songs as a means of getting at feelings isn’t meant in that earnest sense of cultural critique but because I like popular culture, and music in particular.

So what ‘changes’ I reflect on in 2024 are written from the same ‘stream of warm impermanence’ evoked by Bowie’s lyrics but with different ripples flowing. In my last post I wrote about struggling to understand the ‘vocation’ of academia and used some touchstones of different versions, or even different periods, of how an academic career has been imagined. In both the posts I wrote on the beginning of a new academic year I quoted from Malcolm Bradbury’s The History Man, and while I still have a definite soft spot for Bradbury’s work, it feels far less relevant and more distant from my own workaday experience.

In between the two moments in which I wrote yesterday I had a coffee break with a lovely colleague, just catching up. I indirectly talked about, or around, my half-formed thoughts about wrestling to understand what it might mean to be an ‘academic’ these days. As is often the case, my thoughtful colleague sympathised but provided a grounded point of view: the churn of initiatives and changes to systems and structures may be unsettling, and it is tempting to focus on that, but the core of the job kind of remains the same. We still (try to) write and do research and we teach – the time available to do those things and the pressures they might involve change but they remain the central bits of the job. We remain in the stream, the ripples around us continue to ebb and flow but, for now, the stream is still going in the same broad direction.

There are all sorts of things that are affecting universities at the moment. Funding has long been on the minds of university leaders. I think that has become more acute of late and has become the driving bass line of the mood music in HE. Whereas once we were, more-or-less, told in relation to teaching ‘do more with less’ and that it would only be temporary, we are now being simply told to do less. Even so, at many institutions because we have lost so many of our professional services colleagues, and the administrative and technical systems within which we are instructed to operate are more demanding, all academic staff are conducting more administrative work than I have ever previously experienced. Last year and this, the ripples seem to be a bit larger and more turbulent.

I keep circling back in my own mind to the expectations that academic staff may variously have for what the job is, what it means, and where, in society (in the class structure), it fits. Some colleagues still seem to feel secure. Some of us are still able to travel, to visit other institutions to attend conferences and to find the time to perform something of the traditional expectations of the more don-ish version of academic life. I wonder how many of us though are making this work by paying our own way, from our own funds, rather than being support with reasonable expenses. Many of us, but not all, are well paid, when considered against the average earnings. But, as UCU (the main trade union for academics) argue, we are not as well paid as we once were. The dissatisfaction with pay and how academics feel they are valued, or not, is visible in the comments sections of the articles that cover pay on the likes of WonkHE and THE. In the comments of a post covering the 2024/25 pay negotiations, some commenters say:

The comparisons are telling, perhaps. The civil service and lawyers are the comparisons I remember hearing in the common room when I was a PhD student. Though this is, of course, a self-selecting sample of people commenting here. Even so, as with many other jobs, academics appear to feel the pinch. There is, I argue (and I would, wouldn’t I – I am an academic), some justification for thinking in this way. Historically, academic roles were fairly well-paid. In part this recognises the sheer length of time it takes to get through all of the ‘training’, i.e. a PhD and entry-level roles (e.g. associate lecturer and research assistant), before you are in a full-time and ‘permanent’ position. Likewise, as was argued in 2018, academic pensions matter because many of us don’t even begin to pay into them before we are in our late-20s or early-30s. ‘Well, boohoo – try living like the rest of us’ may be the response from those on a lower wage, which, for some, may seem a fair response. However, on balance I think it remains true that we don’t want a race to the bottom. Pay the highly skilled and those we need in society more, don’t drag the pay of some down because others are not earning a good wage.

Quite apart from any of these ‘us’ and ‘them’ sorts of arguments about pay, I am really interested in the changing sense of what an academic career is, what it means to those of us doing it. There are now a not-insignificant number of colleagues just leaving the profession, more than any other time in my ~15 years working in universities. Even getting funded to do a PhD in the first place is very, very competitive, and not fantastically well supported, financially. So, the hapless but well-remunerated campus novel academic, of Lodge and Bradbury, is, I think, long gone, if they ever did exist outside of Oxford and Cambridge. I shed no tears, that vision of academia is/was deeply exclusionary and alienating for the majority of the population – anyone not White, male and upper-middle class. Who we as academics imagine “we” are feels more uncertain now than any point in my (not-so-long) career. As a geographer I am tempted to ask the question – where does the academic belong in society? And, for now, I don’t really feel like I have much of an answer.

I could try to contextualise this in proper academic terms, I could introduce a ‘clever’ observation drawing on one of the many dead white (mostly French) men we, in geographyland, like to quote to lend some gravitas or authority to our ‘big thoughts’ but I prefer not to, for once. I might just allow myself the suggestion that, with Haraway, we could think about staying with the trouble of understanding the vocation of academia. Regardless, the subtlety, and dare I say beauty, of Bowie’s echoes of Heraclitus are more than sufficient.

The river where you set your foot just now is gone – those waters giving way to this, now this.

Heraclitus c.500 BCE

There she goes, my beautiful world – 1st October

Me, I’m lying here, with nothing in my ears
Me, I’m lying here, for what seems years
I’m just lying on my bed with nothing in my head

There she goes, my beautiful world – Nick Cave

There is something sort of annoying and definitely ironic to WordPress calling the chunks of ‘content’ we write into on a post being called ‘blocks’. Writers blocks. That’s where my mind has been, off and on, for some time. What is the block? What can be done.

I prevaricate, procrastinate and/or pretend. Eventually, often unhealthily close to a deadline, I confront. I confront the block, the difficult feelings. Sometimes I even feel like I may have changed the habit. No such luck… yet.

Today we had an online session in my department with a coach. We talked about writing. An interesting part of the conversation happened at the very beginning when we were invited to summarise our relationship with writing in a word. After a pregnant pause, words came. They included – fraught, frustrating, unrecognised, slow, challenging and many others that are, I think, broadly around feeling dissatisfied and perhaps unhappy. The follow on was to try to identify words to express what we would like our relationships with writing to be, with enjoyable, meaningful and spacious words that I can recall being suggested.

I sometimes reflect on the nature of the ‘vocation’ of academic life, and what sometimes feels like a disconnect between the actually existing daily life of working in a university and the expectations we variously harbour for the role. For some it remains not only a lifestyle but a way of life, without wishing to be pretentious – what some used to call the ‘life of the mind‘. A solitary and earnest existence that relates mostly to the humanities, perhaps – as Arendt more or less argued in her work of the same name, quoting Cato (as she did in The Human Condition): “Never is he more active than when he does nothing, never is he less alone than when he is by himself”. And while Arendt argues that vita activa entails a withdrawal from the world it also, necessarily, involves an engagement with it.

For some, the vocation of writing, as an academic, is aligned more with the creative act of writing songs or poetry than, say, the pragmatic act of writing a report. As Les Back noted in his Academic Diary:

Sometimes, like this morning, I wake up at 4.30 a.m. and suddenly a link or a connection I was trying to make in something I am working on becomes clear. I find that I have no real control over that process because ideas can’t simply be willed to come. Leonard Cohen commented once that he didn’t know where the good songs came from because if he did he’d visit that place more often.

As PhD student I both admired and was fearful of the senior colleagues in the department who seemed to embody this sort of academic vocation. For a little while I think I probably saw myself on a trajectory towards being able to ‘think difficult thoughts’. Perhaps some academics still do. Where I have got to is, at least for me, a peculiar slightly uncomfortable compartmentalisation of the ‘thinky thoughts’ of research squashed into the moments in which it is possible and then the pragmatic doing of ‘life’. I don’t wake up at 4:30am with inspiration. I (mostly) wake up at 6:30 to everyday domesticity – unloading the dishwasher, herding children, making coffee. Please don’t misunderstand me, I am happy and wouldn’t have it any other way. But I don’t think I really know what that academic vocation is, at least for me.

Returning to Les Back’s Academic Diary and to briefly, in my mind’s eye, revisit the various fictional universities of the campus novel (a somewhat guilty pleasure), I cannot help feeling like I am reading about a completely different world. I don’t know anyone, personally, who has the kind of career Back recounts in his book. I’m not saying people don’t, its just not part of my own lived experience of working in a university.

What is ‘an academic’ meant to be then? For many of my colleagues, and I, are not the figures I have covered so far. I am not a clerical hermit in the Ivory Tower that Arendt both praises and critiques, neither am I the affable and politically astute Professor of Back’s world, or, I hope, the ethically problematic and weak-willed lecturer that populates the pages of David Lodge and Malcolm Bradbury novels. All of these are White men, of course, and there remains a significant skew in that direction within universities. To an extent, I am the beneficiary of that. However, the pages of scientific journals are more diverse. The voices heard in academia are becoming more diverse. The kinds of writing being published are also beginning to reflect that diversity.

The criteria by which we judge ourselves and one another, whether derived from things like job descriptions, promotion criteria, governmental research quality assessment exercises, journal impact factors and citation counts are, ultimately, not very health for the individual academic worker. The struggle to write, to be ‘productive’ might not always be the best measure by which we should understand our own worth.

It may be a naive or, for some, defeatist form of consolation but I am inclined to think that sometimes it is ok not to have something to say. While ‘my beautiful world’ is not always readily accessible, I may struggle for words, perhaps that is not a bad thing. Other voices can and should be heard.

“I used to”

A glitched image of a typewriter

It has been 1230 days (according to Google) since I last posted on this site. It was a Friday in early May of 2021 apparently. I cannot remember anything of it, if I am honest, it is lost in the mists of pandemic affected hazy memory. I have not begun again in order to be morose though, instead I have decided to try to post again for myself, more than anything. In the time since I last posted I lost colleagues, I learned quite a bit about myself, the country in which I live (the UK) has been through turbulent times and across the world we all tried to drag ourselves into a ‘post-COVID’ new normal, whatever that may be.

I used to blog. I used to write observations about academic life. I used to try to share my work, other people’s work. I used to (sometimes) feel a part of something. Perhaps one of the things I learned in trying to come to terms with the death of Clive Barnett, perhaps the biggest influence on my professional life so far, is that you kind of have to make that belonging. Blogs are ‘old’. Who blogs?! Well, I guess I do. Again (for now).

I am under no illusions, I think – I don’t expect to suddenly write every day, or even every week, perhaps. I am going to start out with trying to write once a week, if I can. I am going to trial a return to the “work note” format I began back in 2018 (apparently) and perhaps share some things that may be interesting.

I used to – lcd sound system

Give Stupidity a Chance – 10th December

“Simple liars, damned liars and experts”

We cannot ‘fix’ everything and that should be ok, but it increasingly is not. As a colleague said to me earlier this term: there is a violence to bringing students back to campus. Universities need money so we brought students back to campuses. Yes, there is lots of hand wash, one-way systems etc., but we continue to be unable to deal with the complex & significant mental health issues made worse by COVID. Lots of individual students told me me they wanted/needed the contact but I still got very variable attendance. We have bullish communications from above, almost all about reputation cloaked in soft soap about welfare. There are appeals to ‘evidence’, or ‘evidence-based’ decisions, drawing on differing data sources (PHE, ONS, local track & trace, 1st hand) and different emphases (e.g. COVID risk vs. student satisfaction). As we limp to the end of the final week of term and are invited to fill in yet another form by our employers to confirm for themselves that, in fact, there is ‘no problem’ with staff wellbeing we might very well reflect upon bullshit.

Like many other employees across a number of sectors, throughout this term, many academics have been on the receiving end of emails from senior managers telling us that: we are doing ever so well (“hooray for us”); the COVID case statistics are nowhere near the levels feared; our students are all happy (but you MUST do more); we have a ‘moral imperative’ to conduct face to face teaching for the sake of the wellbeing of students.

The problem with many of these emails is that they appear to be prime examples of what Frankfurt identifies as bullshit. The assertions, pleas and statements from university senior managers are deliberate deceptive misrepresentations that stop slightly short of outright lying. They are sort of like bluffs. Sprinkled with allusions to ‘government advice’, selectively citing cherry-picked statistics and drawing upon (frankly laughable and shoddily designed) student surveys, the bullshit serves to both attempt to reassure and put us firmly in our place.

UK Higher Education Institutions wilfully, knowingly, deliberately invited students to take up residence in Autumn in environments which were, quite predictably, from a health perspective, not safe. In part this is because of funding. Universities UK asked for a ‘bailout’, the government said ‘no’. Universities draw most of their revenue from fees and rent, so it became imperative for students to return. Staff know this. An increasing number of students know this. Yet, instead of face up to this, senior university managers and the systems in which they operate ignore this, ignore that we know and continue to treat staff and students with mistrust and distain. We are all being treated as fools; some might argue by fools. Give stupidity a chance seems to be the connotation. I’d prefer not to…

With the patronising and self-congratulatory missives resounding like Dickensian church bells as we collectively stagger into our ‘break’, there is a degree of good will between staff and students. Nevertheless, the corrosive ‘us and them’ produced by the state of affairs described above is eating away at that bonhomie. This is emotionally challenging for everyone.

What is to be done? The unlikely but nonetheless brave and honest course of action would be to cast aside the bullshit. There would be a lot of hard work to do in order to repair trust between staff and managers in UK higher education but, as my colleague Clive argues, a good start would be for those senior managers to say sorry.

Pet Shop Boys – Give Stupidity a Chance

Everybody hurts – 2nd July

Hold on, hold on, Everybody hurts, No, no… you’re not alone.

Everybody Hurts – R.E.M

In the previous “work note”, 11th of May, I said: “I focus on one aim: help others and myself to avoid climbing the walls.” Easier said than done, sadly. I have seen in others and in myself through our various means of communication a marked increase in frustration and, I think, I detect an upsurge in what is almost euphemistically called “low mood”. Frustration spills out in mediated form: text, emojis, GIFs. Isolation tells, perhaps, in the shape of the tweets seeking affirmation: I have published, I have grant success… I exist.

Identifying an assertion of our presence, of our value, is of course not a novel observation but it does seem particularly accute in the context of the ‘new normal’ during a pandemic. We all scramble at our own private ‘walls’, or attempt to remain on level ground. As Michael Stipe laments – the days and nights can be long, but I hope that when we variously “feel we have had too much of this life” – that we choose to “hold on”.

I recently posted to Twitter that I admire the abilities of those who have been productive at work in the last three months but that I really haven’t. Since the beginning of lockdown I havent written, I havent submitted anything for peer review. I’ve been included in a grant app – but I didn’t do much for it and, to be honest, carry feelings of guilt for that. I went on to observe that, of course, we cannot all be model academics – again, not a novel observation but this was as much to remind myself as anything.

It has become fashionable to confess to a ‘mental health’ issue. I am reticent about this – opening up sometimes feels like it makes others feel better rather than actually helping. It’s good that people try to help and say things like ‘people should feel able to talk about these things’. But there is a sense that, in some respects, we are encouraged to perform our vulnerability, almost as if for consumption. As others have pointed out, we are increasingly enticed to surrender every personal detail to the attention economy. So, perhaps, we should also be permitted to invoke Melville’s Bartleby: “I would prefer not to”. For, even with government and media campaigns, I cannot help feeling that the stigma around mental health remains. And who wants to suffer more than we have to? I am not in any way setting myself up as some sort of expert, I claim no special insight and I am not a fan of public self-pity, so the words that follow are just an attempt to reflect…

I suffer from anxiety and depression. I recognise I am by no means alone – others have written things that have definitely helped me. Since March, like many, I have really struggled at work and at home. The UCU strikes were challenging but at least felt like action, but the COVID pandemic has been disabling for many and I include myself in that group. I have looked after my children and tried not to let my depression swallow me. I have been so lucky to receive the support of lovely colleagues, my family and my local GP practice. I recognise my good fortune, even when the walls loom over and I can feel the depression pulling.

Staying off those ‘walls’ and keeping the depression in abeyance takes effort. I chose to take antidepressants. I recognise they are contentious and not for everyone but they have helped me. I say this only in a sort of attempt to de-stigmatise. Even-so, I also need other strategies too. Perhaps one the best, if improbable, resource I have found for bringing momentary light relief has been TikTok. Prof. David Beer noted in the latest email from his always excellent newsletter that Ofcom figures show a significant increase in adult users of TikTok since the beginning of the pandemic. I can appreciate why.

The snippets of visual communication, of comedy, of ‘memes’, of dance, are, perhaps, a ‘spectacle’ in Debord’s terms – we are in some ways capitalising on our own capabilities – but they are also whimsical and joyous. TikTok trends, for doing silly dances (much harder than they look), physical challenges, tricks on others or simple jokes in visual form can make connections, however fleeting or ephemeral, that bring meaning. When many other platforms, such as Twitter, seem to be almost consumed in rage and ill will; it is a relief to share in the whimsical joy of others.

For me, looking for the positives takes conscious effort when my ‘natural’ inclination is to drift towards seeing things negatively. Mindfulness techniques help me make the effort. As does my family. I think the thing it took me a while to realise is that I cannot always trust what ‘feels normal’. As others have highlighted – Carrie Fisher, who suffered the far more serious illness of bipolar, offered this great insight:

“Imagine having a mood system that functions essentially like weather—independently of whatever’s going on in your life. So the facts of your life remain the same, just the emotion that you’re responding to differs.”

Carrie Fisher in her book Wishful Drinking.

So what? Well, I cannot claim any great insight here. If you are down the closest thing to advice I can give is: find a way to ask for help. If you’re anything like me then that may be pretty hard. But I honestly think it is worth it. Beyond that, I would simply like to suggest that in especially hard, or weird, times like these maybe it is worth trying to act with more empathy. I have been trying to bear in mind the insight Fisher offers when dealing with others – colleagues, fellow parents at the school gate, friends.

Care can be a collective act. But it does not need to be grandiose. It might simply be acknowledging others – showing them that someone is listening, or someone can see them and that they matter. Maybe that is what is so compelling about the whimsical snippets of video on TikTok. Simply watching and laughing and sharing seems to me to be an ‘ordinary’ sort of affirmation. Perhaps we could all benefit from a bit more of that kind of affirmation.

Climbing up the walls – 11th May

Literally millions of words have been exhausted in the ether about the current circumstances of life in the (Global North) world altered by Coronavirus Disease 2019. I hesitate to add any. What can be said? We express our collective and individual despair, hopes, rage and a myriad other responses, more-often-than-not, quickly. We look for ready answers. We look for analogies, metaphors and similies. We attempt to find certainty. Unfortunately, none is forthcoming.

“The search for the means to put an end to things, … is what enables the discourse to continue.”

The Unnamable – Samuel Beckett

Closeted, imperfectly, in a bedroom at a small desk, all of the attempts to concretise, to render things certain, as normatively positive or negative, wash past me on-screen. Mostly it is in the column of the phone screen as I frustratedly monitor a bigger screen and wait for student work to download, or feedback and marks to update. Not-so-quietly I may swear as systems stall, efforts are lost or in vain. The window is a constant distraction, as are the cries of laughter or tears from our children.

A vacilation between distraction and uncertainty seems to be the only rhythm to the time I spend working. I mark, I check the news. I mark, I check social media. I attend a ‘meeting’, my children shout. I reply to emails, the doorbell rings for yet another delivery. The negotiation of new norms of communication draws on pre-existing expectations but there are, as Nancy Baym has noted, moments of jarring difference when moving between contexts. We remain uncertain. For example: faces are (sometimes surprisingly) hidden or visible. I sometimes don’t know what is ‘polite’.

There are, of course, bigger uncertainties. Our governments appear not to agree on what is for the best. Universities do not know where the money will come from, if students will return, how that could happen safely, or when any of this might be possible. The rhetoric of the UK Prime Minister’s speech to the nation on Sunday 10th May was imbued with this conditional uncertainty. There was a striking repetition of the word “if“. It was perhaps an attempt to borrow the formal logic exemplified in the controlled uncertainty of the conditional statements we see in programming languages “if — then — (else —)”. Nevertheless, I confess, I remain uncertain even about that.

Holding several competing, perhaps mutually exclusive, possible eventualities at once in our minds appears to be what is asked of us. If the rate of transmission drops below the desired threshold and if we can track and trace infections then some things are said to be possible — more shops might open, children might return to schools. Some semblance of certainty to the risk is attempted through a ‘COVID Alert Level’ of 1-5. Lending the certainty of an integer value to a largely unseen risk. The visualisation of that level employs colour, attempting to convey threat through the perceptual cues of the colour spectrum – just as Brian Massumi diagnosed in relation to the even more abstract Terror Alert System of the Bush Administration.

It is all too easy to slip into another form of certainty, though – the certainty of critique. The temptation is to point the finger, to judge. To highlight the failings or mis-steps of a government, institution, or official is relatively easy. To say what is ‘wrong’ is relatively easy. The challenge for us all, whether we remain in work at a care home, hospital or supermarket, whether we are in our makeshift home offices, or whether we are in government, is to collectively find what is ‘right’. I do not flatter myself to think that I can help guide national policy, that is for others far more capable. Nevertheless, we all need both in conversations ‘at work’, in our homes and with those we rely upon or who rely upon us to negotiate what is ‘right’ in how we behave now. How much should parents and teachers expect of our children, or ourselves, when ‘home schooling’? How much should employers and colleagues expect of us as we navigate different WFH contexts? These negotiations appear to be really demanding, exhausting even.

A further conditional uncertainty: If we can negotiate our differing expectations, if we can find a way through the ongoing difficulties of ‘social distancing’, if the measures work to restrain ‘the virus’, then… what? Like many people I find it hard to imagine ‘what next’. Can we ‘return to normal’? What does that mean? Is life on campus now irrevocably changed? Should we expect the ‘online pivot’ to be a part of the ‘new normal’? I suspect that, for all the speculation and argument offered out there, what eventually comes about will be more ramshackle and less catastrophic than some might expect. This ongoing uncertainty, even as we (hopefully) pass the milestones to leave ‘lockdown’, seems like a challenge that will remain a part of working life for some time to come.

Like it or loathe it, this is perhaps the condition of life represented by ‘the anthropocene‘ – the abstract, multifaceted threat of profound if partially unknowable but wholly undesirable change. The experience of the, perhaps naïve – often privileged, pontificators like myself may simply bring us to realisation that nobody is immune from complex and uncertain changes. This is what is meant by that near-catchphrase of ‘an interconnected world’, this is what that can feel like.

There are no easy answers. That is my only realisation from this. Not profound but fairly solid, in the face of stultifying uncertainty. We can vomit words onto our digital platforms, as I am doing here, but they are unlikely to provide more than momentary solace. As a sufferer from anxiety for all of my adult life the feelings brought about are familiar if unwelcome. So I focus on one aim: help others and myself to avoid climbing the walls.

Climbing up the walls – Radiohead

More than their share. 27th February.

A glitched image of Oxbridge dons processing

As a member of the UCU I have been on strike a frightening amount this year. During the strike action, a colleague sent a tweet pointing out that much of the dispute we have with the employers’ organisations around fair and equal pay and precarity is figured in terms of ‘management’ being in dispute with ‘management’ but that many senior academics are involved in the recruitment of early career staff, from who’s precarious labour they then benefit. 

To elaborate: the rhetoric of the dispute could be understood as figuring ‘management’ as a ‘them’ and the unified mass of ‘workers’ as ‘us’. However, I am inclined to agree with my colleague that things are rarely that simple.

Responsibility for early career academics’ precarious contracts and the often-unfair nature of remuneration for anyone in a university that is not white and male is shared. 

Responsibility is shared by those of us that bring in grant income and attach PhD studentships or research assistant positions to them.

Responsibility is shared by those of us that request post-graduate teaching assistance.

Responsibility is shared by those of us that benefit from any kind of teaching ‘buy out’ or relief that comes from temporarily employed staff. 

No doubt (given my far-from-comprehensive experience), I have failed to identify other ways in which that responsibility might be shared.

Responsibility is shared then, but the ability to effect change in relation to that responsibility is a little less clear. The forms of ethical reasoning we might variously make in relation to how our responsibility works are difficult.

I want to work through a couple of the cases I identify above. The responsibility for the precarious working conditions and (potentially) unfair remuneration and/or workload of an early career researcher (ECR) is shared by the principle investigator (PI), the employing institution (departmental management, HR and others) and the funder. 

If a senior academic wants to do some research the cost of buying themselves out is very high, the cost of employing a junior colleague is less. The PI wants the research to be done, they may feel it would also be valuable experience for an ECR. A series of compromises ensue, hence the difficult ethical reasoning.

A prospective PI pulls together an application. They identify the work they want to do. Then, they look at the funder’s requirements and try to translate the ideal into the ‘fundable’. The funder might: only fund for a particular length of time; only cover some of the costs (e.g. pay = yes, expenses = no); have specific requirements about expertise; and other things I cannot think of.

So, the PI compromises. They want to do the research, but due to budget constraints and funder requirements they can only employ a research assistant part-time. They submit the grant with a part-time post because may believe an ECR will also compromise for ‘experience’, that there’s other valuable things they’ll get as a result, or because they hope to ‘top up’ the post with other funding.

Who bears responsibility? The PI seems to be making the active decisions here. Nevertheless, they are compromising because they face constraints. The funder will not pay enough, or for long enough, perhaps. The institution has increased its ‘overheads’ which increases the cost of employing someone. For a specific grant application, the PI has to decide how to negotiate their constraints to arrive at a ‘fundable’ project that (in the terms of this discussion) is also ‘fair’.

For research conducted in a particular university, the institution has to decide what research is ‘worth’ – do they want to invest in researchers, to develop the careers of all of those involved in any given project? Do they want to make the opportunity to do research open and equal? Do they want to support the administration and management of research-related people and resources? And as a result they will compromise. Sadly, the compromises that have been taken have become increasingly torturous. A PI is responsible for more and more complex administrative work, which may once have been done for them.

For a research funder, like the UK research councils, the political weather dictates the money available and the priorities. That politics can be unsavoury. Do they fund everything equally? Or focus resources on perceived priorities? Do they fund comprehensively or exclude some costs?

In the UK, the pot of money for research has diminished significantly in recent years. That pot is also largely prioritised. If an academic does research in a priority area they are, perhaps, lucky. Those that don’t work in such areas get weaker and weaker gruel. 

In the social sciences in the UK there is a growing pool of applicants, more grant applications being submitted and the success rate has plateaued somewhere around 13% for the ESRC. So, all things being equal (which they’re decidedly not), you need to submit over seven applications to see one succeed. 

I have seen estimates that a grant often takes up a month’s worth of work time to prepare (if the PI spent 100% of their time on the application for a month), so seven applications would be a huge investment of time and the resources and salary to which that equates.

Why bother? Well, the PI wants to do the research for a number of reasons. It is why we get into academia – (in overly-simplistic terms) to find things out. Many of us want to contribute to our understanding of the world around us, to contribute to the debates we find stimulating. Careers are also, sadly, pegged against grant income success. When I began my first ‘permanent’ position as a lecturer I had an income target set. Fortunately, it was not enforced and later was removed.

As you become more experienced and/or successful as a PI, it seems to me, you solidify a reputation and grant success breeds further successes. Research funders like to back ‘safe’ bets. We have arrived not at a meritocratic system of peer-reviewed excellence but at a recapitulation of a feudal system of ‘science’ (taken in its broadest sense) that would be familiar to 18th and 19th century academics. Careers are often contingent upon the decisions of powerful (whether they like it/recognise it or not) professors with grant success. Being written into a grant as a named researcher or co-investigator makes a career. Being alienated or ignored can break one.

Sadly, I do not have an upbeat conclusion here. None of this is sustainable. Especially when government steadily withdraws support and imposes metrics that encourage institutional behaviour that damages ordinary staff. We are already in a feudal system that exacerbates the worst kinds of workplace behaviour. This is a systematic issue more than anything. Individual (successful) professors can choose to exercise their power (such as it is) benevolently but (it seems to me) they cannot alter the system.

Faced with these issues it is incumbent upon all of us inside the system to find a way through – I suggest this involves collaborating a lot more, it involves acting in solidarity and with compassion. This may prove difficult for those of us who found our way into academia because it permits the ‘lone wolf’ worker autonomy rarely found anywhere else. Working cultures need to be rethought, collectively, with care.

Take care of yourselves and those around you, regardless of how it appears – we are in this mess together. If you are up the ladder, do not pull the ladder up – pull others up after you.

More than their share – Dolly Parton

Changes. 16th September

“Now it is the autumn again; the people are all coming back. The recess of summer is over, when holidays are taken, newspapers shrink, history itself seems momentarily to falter and stop. But the papers are thickening and filling again; things seem to be happening; … Everywhere there are new developments, new indignities; the intelligent people survey the autumn world, and liberal and radical hackles rise, and fresh faces are about, and the sun shines fitfully, and the telephones ring.”

The History Man – Malcolm Bradbury

Just over a year ago I began ‘work notes‘ as a means of reflecting on the rhythm of academic life. The indignities of my year meant that it did not last – exhaustion got the better of me. I hope to resume work notes with some periodic reflections on what ‘work’ might mean for ‘knowledge workers’ like us in academia. As I said last year:

Some perform their indignities, some have them thrust upon them. While many labour under increasing pressures and are forced into indignities, there remains a, privileged, few in the loftier perches of the ivory tower that seem to habitually perform indignation from positions of relative comfort. Just as Bradbury observed through the acerbic whit of his “campus” novels.

Perhaps I have over-egged my performance of indignities. I am perhaps closer to those in the loftier perches now. We are, all of us, working through our issues. Time may change me but I can’t trace time. I confess, as this medium almost dictates, that mine overwhelmed me this summer. However, I was helped and for that I am truly grateful.

A new academic year sometimes feels like a new start. Capturing some of that energy, and the energy of the new and returning students can, sometimes, be helpful. Nevertheless, it can also feel somewhat like Groundhog Day. Except, of course, the students remain young and I get older. I watch the ripples change their size
but never leave the stream
… still the days seem the same.

The rhythm begins to shift. Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. Self-determined schedules give way to institutional timetables – even in advance of official term-time. For me, the big shin-dig of (UK) geographyland, the RGS-IBG conference, marks the end of summer. My attention turns (even more) to teaching.

Like many colleagues, I must surpress a sigh as non-academic friends persist in the misconception that I have had three months off and must be marvellously rested. In the cooling air and faintly lengthening shadows, term awaits with new beginnings for staff and students alike. Turn and face the strange.

Changes – David Bowie.